I have to admit I have wanted to post several times over the last two years, but more often than not something has stopped me. I can't say it's the kids or lack of time, although life is busy. The reality is I feel like I have to choose my words wisely, not to be phony and only share the good but because I feel that when you put something in words on a screen there is a lot lost in translation. Take that same thought and apply it to email, texting, fb posts, etc... I started a private blog because I thought I would share more there but again, the "filter" caught 90% of my words and it was sort of a depressing blog that didn't reflect my heart as much as my frustrations.
I love my family, it's like nothing I could have ever imagined...Being a mother has changed every fiber of my being, literally! That doesn't mean that everyday I feel like a good mom or wife, but I do try 100% of the time to be what they need me to be. Some days it is absolutely an act because I don't "feel" like that's what I want to do. I feel scared, inadequate, pathetic, emotional, resentful, jealous, tired, like I have nothing else to give, yet most importantly honored hear "mama" throughout the day whether it be a whisper or a shout. I'm thrilled to add another baby to our family and to be completely honest I don't need to hear-you'll be busy, you'll have your hands full, or any other little jab. I would rather be busy than bored and I'd rather have my hands full than empty (Thanks for that one Drea). Life is good, I have a loving devoted husband that blows me away with the dad he has become in just three short years. My children are my precious jewels that bring more to my life than anything else could even come close.
I don't love Paso but I'm grateful for friends that make it tolerable. All that matters is that the people living at 2842 Cottage Lane are healthy and growing, that doesn't always mean "happy". I'm not sure if this post will kick off a series of more posts that have less "filter" than the others. Maybe no one even cares what I think or feel...I do know that you can't please everyone, and sometimes you just have to say no. I know this is kind of all over the place and maybe a little bitchy but it is what it is.
My reason for starting this blog almost four years ago was to share about our life as it was rapidly changing, beginning with our move to Washington and within a few days finding out I was pregnant. As I posted, comments were made that in my hormonal new world of being pregnant for the first time, cut too deep. After that I started holding back and it really became a blog for family and friends or whoever else was looking at it to see the kids and hear what was happening. One of my pet peeves is moms who blog about their children's milestones ( which are incredibly glorious things ) as if they were the first ever to do it or that they were so advanced, I know it a weird stupid competition for some parents. I never wanted my blog to be like that so again, the filter caught more and the posts became few and far between resulting in a few pictures posted every once in awhile. Well tonight I have been inspired by some good ol blog snooping and have changed my mind that good or bad, I'd like you to meet the Pulliams from my view! I definitely will not fall in the over share category but it will be different the last two years at least.
Here is my first shot at offending any readers. I WILL get an epidural for delivery of this baby(praying it works this time) and I don't care what your thoughts are on the matter. You are no less of a mom if you choose to deliver your baby with some relief, nor are you more of a rockstar mom if you choose not to have some relief. I had an epidural with Rylan that ran out but that was only one of the several complications during his delivery. Again with Elle I had an epidural but this one didn't work at all, add some pitocin and no sleep the night before and let me tell you not my happiest of hours until it was over. So, please keep any comments about epidurals to your self. Every one has there reasons for what the believe-I just don't want to hear about yours-k?!
Well, I think I feel okay about clicking publish post right now, but I may need a moment....
